Here we are again. Another IVF cycle that didn’t work, yet so many unanswered questions. Why didn’t it work for us? What could we do differently? How much more are we going to have to spend? Is it ever going to happen???
I’m writing this after our 10th unsuccessful cycle. On one hand, part of me wants to give up and just go on lots of exotic holidays, enjoying a child-free life with my husband. But the other part of me isn’t ready to accept defeat. It’s a tiring and desperate process, but the hope always keeps me going… almost like an addiction.
I would share some of the advice given to me after previous failed cycles by family members, friends and colleague; but most of the time, they either didn’t know what to say, or the advice was utterly useless (e.g. “Why don’t you just adopt?”). So instead, here’s my take on what you should consider before deciding on the next step in your journey:
1. Ask why the cycle didn’t work (and make sure you get answers)
Ask your doctor about each stage of the process and whether, in their medical opinion, the ideal outcome was reached; if not, why not? Are there any further investigations that can be undertaken? These may be provided by the same clinic, but equally, you may find that another clinic can offer alternative investigations or treatment options. How is the clinic going to improve your cycle outcomes next time round? If you are happy with the explanations you’re given, and it feels like the right thing to do, then you can consider giving it another try. Sometimes, the doctor may not be able to explain why your cycle wasn’t successful or give you the answers you need. Don’t be afraid to question them enough to satisfy your need, or even get a second opinion from another professional.
2. What about the sperm?
When we started our journey, my husband didn’t have any sort of semen analysis until years into our treatment. When we eventually got his sperm parameters tested, we found that there were various weak spots that needed to be worked on before we embarked on any further IVF cycles. Many clinics often focus their treatment on the female side of things, ignoring the other 50% of the equation – the sperm! And if there is an issue, the clinic will go down the ICSI path instead of standard IVF, but this isn’t the fix. With male fertility issues on the rise, it’s so important for the male partner to have the necessary investigations and to work on correcting the issues (where possible) before starting treatment – it could save you a lot of money in the long-run!
3. Remember: There are no guarantees
One of the things I did not factor when starting fertility treatment was that the success rates aren’t great. In fact, most cases of IVF are unsuccessful. A UK study of over 250,000 IVF cycles found that the live-birth rate after three cycles was 54%, and only rose marginally to 69% after 9 cycles. Many people simply can’t afford to fund one cycle, let alone nine! There is an enormous emotional, physical and financial burden on anyone going through fertility treatment. You have to weigh up the chances of treatment success, but also consider alternative options to achieve parenthood. Ultimately, you’ll know what is right for you in that moment and, you’ll know when to move on to plan B (or plan C or D) when the time is right too.
4. Don’t rush into your next cycle
Like me, many of you may have gone straight from one treatment cycle onto another. Time wasn’t on my side given my age (I’m 40), so the plan was to just get on with it until I had a baby in my arms. However, what I didn’t consider was whether I had truly dealt with the pain, disappointment, and despair of the last failed cycle. Every failed treatment breaks you just a little bit more. So, it’s important to listen to your gut – does it feel like the right time to take the next step? Don’t rush into it, even if your biological clock is ticking. You’ll be more stressed with the whole process and that makes it more likely that your body won’t be ready to accept another little soul. It’s more important at this time to take stock of what else and who else is important around you and whether you’re in the right frame of mind to move forward. Taking a little bit of time out can really help you recharge your batteries, refresh relationships, and rebuild a positive mindset to help you on your journey.
5. What about alternative therapies?
Many conventional doctors don’t believe that alternative therapies work, mainly because there is less scientific research about their effectiveness compared to Western medicine. However, some doctors are more open-minded about the validity of alternative therapies. Traditional therapies have been used for many centuries before Western medicine even existed… e.g. Chinese medicine, Ayurveda, herbal medicine and using food as medicine. These therapies view disease as an imbalance that exists within one’s body which can affect overall health. These imbalances can be corrected through various means. Therefore, if fertility issues can be attributed to such imbalances, alternative therapies can be useful in helping to bring the body back into balance and restore the body’s proper functioning. Many people find that this alone can lead to conception, but traditional therapeutics can also be safely combined with conventional Western medicine where necessary. Note: Alternative therapies are harmless, as long as they are conducted by an experienced professional.
6. Accepting when it’s time to stop
There may come a time when enough is enough. Whether it be due to financial constraints, or you’ve had enough of the emotional rollercoaster. It may be that you’re done with fertility treatment and want to try something else (e.g. adoption), or you may just feel that you’re happy without children. There are always going to be difficult decisions in life; don’t be afraid to make this difficult decision if it feels right for you. It may give you a huge sense of relief to be moving on from something that has been all-consuming, and you may even feel like you’ve regained control over your life.
As hard as IVF failure may be, please don’t see it as your failure. Instead, see it as a chance to do something differently. It’s an opportunity for you to take control of the situation so you know you’re doing everything possible to make sure you get the result you want. For instance, my husband and I decided to turn to nutritional therapy to optimise the quality of our eggs, sperm and overall health… all in preparation for whatever direction our quest for a family took next.
“Every new experience brings its own maturity and a greater clarity of vision” – Indira Gandhi
Much love to you
